Daily Archive

If you see this photo under the headline, “Local Couple Apprehended in 2 a.m. Sign Theft Attempt,” you’ll know who they are.

“Despite the late hour, the pair enlisted their seven-year-old daughter to steady the ladder. One explained, ‘Well, we couldn’t leave her home alone,’ and the other added, ‘Besides, she needs to learn grammar too–and understand what we’re up against.’ Charges are not being filed in the child’s case. ‘Its not the daughters fault,’ the store owner said. ‘None of us can choose our parent’s.’

“The adults plan to plead for leniency on the grounds of performing a public service, and have filed a civil suit against the alleged offending grocer and the sign company he employed. ‘If I’d had to look at it one more time, I’d be pleading innocent by reason of insanity,’ one said.

“The couple is being represented pro bono by counsel for the Guerrilla Grammarians Collective. One, a Ms. Mary Jennings, told the press briskly, ‘Please stop portraying this as sign theft. They were removing one piece of punctuation, which didn’t belong there in the first place.’ Their other lawyer, a Ms. Amanda Lewanski, said, ‘In Texas, they’d have just shot the thing down. And they’d get off, too.’

“Early responses to the incident suggest that San Franciscans may share this sentiment. The family has received several dozen bouquets at their Bernal Heights home (ed. note–double-check punctuation before going to press) and they are rumored to have been nominated for a Community Heroes Award by the SF United School District.”